It's Time to Make a Decision

I remember a time in my adult life when I lived far up north in Michigan. It was early December but the weather was unseasonably warm. A high of 68 degrees that day rings a bell and the warmth persisted into night. Normally the temperature at this time of year hovered somewhere between the high teens and mid twenties during the day and the nights were much colder. I walked around town that day in a pair of jeans and t-shirt well after the sunset.

I found myself down by the water that was so important to this small university town. The water of Lake Superior is cold any time of year and as I was near its edge I could feel cool fresh air from the lake brush up against my skin. I walked along the boardwalk and looked at the lights of the town across the water. It was a truly beautiful winter experience, one of those surreal events you experience once or twice a lifetime. I felt nostalgic as it was happening.

My mood turned introspective as I neared the end of the boardwalk. I’d had a couple of beers and the party mood of the town was winding down for the night. No matter how warm it was people still had to get up the next morning and head to work or get to class, but there I was.

I stood there alone and looked at the water. I sat down on the end of the boardwalk and let my feet dangle over the edge. I couldn’t see into the depths where I had swum the summer before. The water was dark and looked rather murky as I went reminisced about the experiences I’d had by this water.

My first marriage fell apart in this town. I’d skinny dipped with one of my ex’s boyfriends along with a group of people in this water. I’d had sex with more than one person on a more remote section of that very boardwalk. Then took a dip then did it again. I’d taken many walks along the shore and played some guitar as well. My heart turned bittersweet as I recalled my life there.

A pensive mood struck me as I sat there thinking. I was alone on the boardwalk. Eventually my thoughts turned to my life as a whole and what it meant to me. I stared into the water and realized I had a decision to make. It was almost like God was asking me a question. I realized that I could just end everything in my life right then and there. I looked down into the water and thought to myself that I didn’t really have to live anymore. All I had to do was let go and slide into the water. The water was icy. Hypothermia and lack of oxygen would take if from there. In about a minute and a half I’d be done, expired. I’d lose consciousness then simply float away and become a part of the ecosystem until someone found me and decided to bury me.

Now I must say here that I did not feel particularly suicidal. I didn’t harbor secret thoughts about my demise. I simply realized how easy it would be to end it all. My life up until that point hadn’t been all that great. I’d done a lot of things I’d wished I hadn’t, but still I didn’t see a reason to kill myself. The odd thing was that I didn’t really feel a strong urge to go on either. I was at a crossroads. Like Robert Johnson before me I found myself faced with a decision that affected the rest of my life.

Right about then I heard a car pull up behind me. I knew it was a police car and briefly looked back to confirm this feeling. There were plenty of police cars around this town. The funny thing was that the normal winter patrol vehicle was a Chevy Blazer. Today the policeman drove one of the cop shop’s Crown Victorias. Then something truly strange happened. The policeman sat there in his car for a moment then got out. Then he walked slowly up behind me to my right and asked me if everything was ok. I looked at him and smiled then made up a story about how my roommate was arguing with his girlfriend and I didn’t feel like sitting there in my apartment listening, which was partially true. The argument had been on the phone and had ended before I left. He smiled, looked down and nodded. Then he told me he just wanted to make sure everything was ok.

It’s funny how my mind’s eye can recall certain instances from my life with surprising clarity. The simplest thing can affect people for the rest of their meager life. This moment was one of those times. That policeman appeared almost out of nowhere and took the time to make sure everything was ok. He could have just driven past and looked to make sure I wasn’t drinking in public. But no he felt compelled by something to check on me. Maybe it was the fact that I was locally famous, I’m not kidding about this, and he recognized me. Maybe it was the fact that it was summer in December, or maybe he had a feeling I might be thinking what I was thinking.

Whatever he thought I got the message that someone somewhere just checked up on me. It was like God looked over my shoulder and said, “well Matt it’s time to go on. You don’t need to do this and I have some things I want you to do.” The policeman was just a messenger, an angel if you will all dressed in blue and wearing a gun.

After the messenger policeman left I sat there for another couple of minutes and smiled. I’d gotten the message and made my decision. I think at some point everyone makes this decision. Everyone is faced with their own life and they have to decide whether or not it’s worth living. Unfortunately, or maybe not, some decide it’s not worth living and they go away. But on that day I decided to go on. I’m glad I did.

That warm summer day in December will always stay true in my mind. I’m glad for the experience. It truly changed something in me and every time I get a chance I wear a t-shirt outside in the winter. Today was one of those days and tomorrow looks like one too. I plan to go for a walk in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Too bad there’s no body of water in this town or I’d walk around that.

As always, thanks for reading to the end.