Don't Throw Me Over
I stood at the top of a waterfall. I looked down. I could see rocks and below. I did not want to fall. If I did, I was pretty sure it would hurt. I was pretty sure I would die. The waterfall was at least 50 feet high. I was a little scared.
Here begins a tale of when I was 14. A part of my family decided a trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula was a great idea. My mother and I went with her boyfriend at the time, she had quite a few boyfriends at the time, and his niece. Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, or UP, is a pretty rugged area. It’s surprisingly unpopulated and is surprisingly beautiful, especially in the fall when all the trees change colors. People say how great New England is in the fall and I think it’s only because they haven’t been to the UP.
Anyway, my mom’s boyfriend, John the dumbass, knew the area up there pretty well. He grew up in the UP. It showed, honestly. He was… well… a dumbass. I didn’t raise the guy, but I met the people who did and they were… well… dumbasses too. His old man was the kind of militant fuck who terrorized his children with grandiose threats he was more than happy to carry out. I remember stories from John the dumbass about getting a fork in the arm if he didn’t wipe his face or if he accidentally put his elbows on the dinner table. I often listened to tales of public ridicule poor John the dumbass suffered when his father was in a foul mood. John the dumbass’s mother however was a peach. She was one of those peaches you pick up and find it maggot infested and smelling of putrescence, but with an attitude of superior peach arrogance like it’s the best fruit on the planet. She was a bitch of the worst and most manipulative kind. My mother, who was constantly up for an award for the person with the lowest self esteem in Grand Traverse County, was deeply distraught one day when the peach-bitch told her she didn’t like her. My mom spent the next week trying to figure out how to patch things up and the peach-bitch just smirked those maggot teeth while John the dumbass tried to console my low self esteem mother to no avail.
Now you’ve got a pretty good idea of life with John the dumbass. Actually you’ve got a pretty good idea of what all my mom’s boyfriends were like but that’s not the point of this particular column. But trust me I will get to that one day indeed and when I start making money off this sucker I’ll cut my mom in on some cash for giving me such a storied past to write about.
Well like I said there I was standing at the top of that waterfall but I neglected to mention that the dumbass’s niece, Tori, was standing there with me. Now Tori was a dipshit. I say this because she just didn’t do things that were all that well thought out, and she did them a lot. It was painful and hilarious to be around her at the same time. She was nice enough and meant well. Plus she was academically smart, so that helped. However, on top of a 50 foot waterfall with deadly rocks staring up from below is not your favorite place when the person next to you lacks essential logical abilities. The absent abilities I refer are these; a rushing current on the precipice of a cliff is not a good place to stand. Also the rocks can get slippery, another detail left unconsidered by our female heroine. Lastly, it was a little windy that day. Wind, coupled with rushing current and slippery rocks pretty much sucks on top of a waterfall. You may find yourself suddenly in a precarious position.
Guess where Tori was. Yep. She walked right out into the river to get a better look over, yes I said over, the waterfall. I stood next to her on a little patch of dry land with a waist high weed as my only friend. Dipshit took her time galavanting around in the stream when a gust of wind came along and knocked her off balance and she slipped on a rock. Guess what dipshit did next. She grabbed me and pushed me forward to counterbalance her. I was just as close to the edge as she was but I wasn’t stupid enough to stand in the water. I did what any self respecting person would do. I grabbed my friend the weed. I grabbed it with both hands. I grabbed it so hard and pulled that I yanked it from its perch, but it was enough to stabilize me, which in turn stabilized Tori. I gave Tori a scathing look and she had the audacity to ask me what was wrong. I spat at my feet and laid my friend the weed gently down on the ground next to the river.
All ended well that day as I’m sure you can see. I am here to tell this tale. I only saw Tori one more time in my life and John the dumbass is, thankfully, a distant memory, but that moment atop the waterfall remains vivid in my mind.
As always thanks for reading to the end. Until next time have a great week!
Here begins a tale of when I was 14. A part of my family decided a trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula was a great idea. My mother and I went with her boyfriend at the time, she had quite a few boyfriends at the time, and his niece. Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, or UP, is a pretty rugged area. It’s surprisingly unpopulated and is surprisingly beautiful, especially in the fall when all the trees change colors. People say how great New England is in the fall and I think it’s only because they haven’t been to the UP.
Anyway, my mom’s boyfriend, John the dumbass, knew the area up there pretty well. He grew up in the UP. It showed, honestly. He was… well… a dumbass. I didn’t raise the guy, but I met the people who did and they were… well… dumbasses too. His old man was the kind of militant fuck who terrorized his children with grandiose threats he was more than happy to carry out. I remember stories from John the dumbass about getting a fork in the arm if he didn’t wipe his face or if he accidentally put his elbows on the dinner table. I often listened to tales of public ridicule poor John the dumbass suffered when his father was in a foul mood. John the dumbass’s mother however was a peach. She was one of those peaches you pick up and find it maggot infested and smelling of putrescence, but with an attitude of superior peach arrogance like it’s the best fruit on the planet. She was a bitch of the worst and most manipulative kind. My mother, who was constantly up for an award for the person with the lowest self esteem in Grand Traverse County, was deeply distraught one day when the peach-bitch told her she didn’t like her. My mom spent the next week trying to figure out how to patch things up and the peach-bitch just smirked those maggot teeth while John the dumbass tried to console my low self esteem mother to no avail.
Now you’ve got a pretty good idea of life with John the dumbass. Actually you’ve got a pretty good idea of what all my mom’s boyfriends were like but that’s not the point of this particular column. But trust me I will get to that one day indeed and when I start making money off this sucker I’ll cut my mom in on some cash for giving me such a storied past to write about.
Well like I said there I was standing at the top of that waterfall but I neglected to mention that the dumbass’s niece, Tori, was standing there with me. Now Tori was a dipshit. I say this because she just didn’t do things that were all that well thought out, and she did them a lot. It was painful and hilarious to be around her at the same time. She was nice enough and meant well. Plus she was academically smart, so that helped. However, on top of a 50 foot waterfall with deadly rocks staring up from below is not your favorite place when the person next to you lacks essential logical abilities. The absent abilities I refer are these; a rushing current on the precipice of a cliff is not a good place to stand. Also the rocks can get slippery, another detail left unconsidered by our female heroine. Lastly, it was a little windy that day. Wind, coupled with rushing current and slippery rocks pretty much sucks on top of a waterfall. You may find yourself suddenly in a precarious position.
Guess where Tori was. Yep. She walked right out into the river to get a better look over, yes I said over, the waterfall. I stood next to her on a little patch of dry land with a waist high weed as my only friend. Dipshit took her time galavanting around in the stream when a gust of wind came along and knocked her off balance and she slipped on a rock. Guess what dipshit did next. She grabbed me and pushed me forward to counterbalance her. I was just as close to the edge as she was but I wasn’t stupid enough to stand in the water. I did what any self respecting person would do. I grabbed my friend the weed. I grabbed it with both hands. I grabbed it so hard and pulled that I yanked it from its perch, but it was enough to stabilize me, which in turn stabilized Tori. I gave Tori a scathing look and she had the audacity to ask me what was wrong. I spat at my feet and laid my friend the weed gently down on the ground next to the river.
All ended well that day as I’m sure you can see. I am here to tell this tale. I only saw Tori one more time in my life and John the dumbass is, thankfully, a distant memory, but that moment atop the waterfall remains vivid in my mind.
As always thanks for reading to the end. Until next time have a great week!
posted by morrisson66 at 7:27 PM
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